Responding to Emotional Invalidation
Have you shared your feelings, but they’re met by something like “It’s not that big of a deal,” or “Calm down?” This is emotional invalidation, and it hurts. It can be an offhand remark from a coworker or perhaps something said during a discussion with your partner. However it happens, invalidation feels dismissive.
We may have a tendency to shrink or doubt ourselves when this happens, but there ways we can learn to respond to emotional invalidation in a healthy and productive manner. As we learn how to respond to emotional validation, we validate ourselves, support our own boundaries, and become able to express ourselves more openly.
What is Emotional Invalidation?
Emotional invalidation is when someone responds to an emotional experience you’re having by dismissing it or minimizing it. You may be ridiculed, ignored, or simply dismissed. Sometimes it is explicit, like when somebody says, "You shouldn’t be angry (or sad, or anxious, etc.). Sometimes it is more subtle, like when you tell somebody you are upset and they move the conversation forward without truly acknowledging it.
In addition to words, invalidation can happen with action. Let’s say you let your partner know that you are experiencing pain every time they act a certain way or say something specific. They apologize without changing the behavior, and continue acting that way. Although they may not have dismissed your feelings during the conversation about their behavior, their continued actions feel invalidating as they are not amending their behavior.
What Emotional Invalidation Feels Like
Whether it’s from a partner, a parent, coworkers, or anyone else, emotional invalidation simply doesn’t feel good. Children are especially susceptible to the negative impacts. One study from 2003 found that children who experienced emotional invalidation had higher rates of what the researchers called “chronic emotional inhibition.” This included higher risk and rates of things like depression, stress, and anxiety disorders like silent panic attacks.
Invalidation can lead to many problems in relationships, including emotional distancing, loneliness, low self-esteem, and conflict. When an individual does not feel that their emotions are valid or worth sharing, they keep them inside and lose connection with their partner. For example, let’s say you decide to ask for some reassurance from your partner. Instead of offering reassurance, your partner tells you you’re being dramatic, you’re too needy, or you need to calm down. When this happens, you may not bring up the topic again. You may even partially or fully believe these forms of emotional invalidation without really investigating if they’re true for you.
There are many ways emotional invalidation may pop up. Here are a few common ones:
Judging you for your emotions (“You always are so anxious.”)
Blaming you for the feelings you’re having (“You took it way too personally.”)
Bypassing the actual emotion (“You’re strong. You will get through it.”)
Disbelief or gaslighting (“That isn’t how it happened,” or “Stop exaggerating.”)
Why Do People Invalidate?
Emotional invalidation is often something done non-consciously. Most times somebody experiences this, it’s not because the other person thinks, “This person’s feelings are dumb and not worthy my time.” Sure, that may happen here and there, but invalidation is generally a reaction or response that comes from something deeper.
Someone may invalidate your feelings because they feel overwhelmed by them. Maybe you’re angry or anxious, and they are having their own strong response to your emotions. Perhaps they dismiss your feelings or want to change them. This is done as a protective mechanism for themselves, and often leaves the other person feeling dismissed.
People may also do this to manipulate a situation. Especially if it is ongoing, it might be a form of manipulation. By questioning or dismissing your emotional experience, the other person can perhaps make you question your emotions yourself. This is especially true when one person is confronting another about some dynamic of their relationship. Rather than taking accountability, the person invalidates the feelings to not have to address the issue.
Finally, people might invalidate your feelings simply because they don’t realize the strong emotions you’re having. I’ve had this in my own relationships in life, and have worked on this with many clients. Sometimes, we need to very clearly and explicitly let another person know how much we are suffering. Often, people are going about their own days in their own worlds and don’t really pause to realize the emotional experience of someone else.
Strategies for Dealing with Emotional Invalidation
We’re all subject to emotional invalidation at times in our lives. It really can’t be completely avoided. Rather than trying to avoid it in vain, we can learn to deal with emotional invalidation and learn how to respond in a healthy way that supports us moving forward.
Self-Affirmation
One of the biggest consequences of emotional invalidation is a lack of self-trust and self-confidence. When somebody dismisses us, we subtly question ourselves. To help work with this, we can engage in some self-affirmation. Rather than relying on others, we can learn how to show up for ourselves and be our own form of validation.
This takes time and work, and is not a quick fix. We might take up journaling, writing down our emotional experience and seekign to gain some clarity. Personally, I find this a powerful first step. It’s beneficial to investigate our own experiences and be clear about what is present for us before bringing it to another person if we’re able.
Communicate Effectively
One of the key things in discussing invalidation with another is learning to communicate effectively. First, use “I” statements. This is a bit of a cliché at this point as it’s written in every article about healthy communication, but it helps! When you speak to the other person, focus on how you feel and what your experience is rather than what the other person did. This helps prevent anyone from feeling attacked.
You also might consider the best time for a talk. When you bring up your feelings about emotional invalidation with the other person, choose a time when you both can be fully present. Don’t do it while the kids are running around the house, after a long day of work, or while one of you is in the middle of a task. Set aside some time and space to encourage a fully present conversation.
Finally, focus on the solution. Don’t go over what happened repeatedly. Know what you want out of the conversation and how you want to move forward. Make space for the other person to come up with solutions as well, and don’t get stuck in the past. It’s okay to be hurt, to share your hurt, and to converse about it. But we definitely can benefit from focusing on what we can do moving forward to avoid this pain.
Community Support
You can also seek out support from a community. You might have some friends or loved ones you can discuss it with. Try to choose someone who won’t be likely to invalidate you further. Sometimes discussing the issue with someone else can help give us new perspective. Remember that group therapy is as effective as individual therapy in many cases as well.
Setting Boundaries
This is both an internal and external suggestion. We can externally set boundaries with the other person or people surrounding emotional invalidation. Let them know when you share an emotion and they invalidate it, you won’t stand by idly. Lay out the boundary and be clear about why you are setting this boundary with them.
Similarly, we can set an internal boundary. When somebody invalidates you, you will do X, Y, or Z. Maybe you can take a break from the conversation and return to it when it’s less emotionally charged. Maybe your boundary is you will not stay in the conversation and instead take some space to offer yourself some self-validation.
Self-Compassion
I’m a big fan of self-compassion. There are a ton of benefits of self-compassion, so really we all should be practicing it a bit! Research suggests individuals who practice self-compassion have better resilience, less self-criticism, less daily stress, and more general wellbeing. By practicing self-compassion, we can learn to care for our difficult emotions with attentiveness and care rather than judgement and doubting.
Professional Support
Finally, you might consider seeking professional support. Experiencing emotional invalidation is a great thing to talk about in therapy with a trained professional. Together with your therapist, you can learn to build resilience, set boundaries, and investigate how emotional invalidation is impacting you.
