Apologizing Without a Change in Behavior

I’m a big fan of apologies. When we cause harm, it’s important to take accountability, face it, and make a change. However, all apologies are not created equal. We may find ourselves in situations where we apologize without actually making a change, or perhaps somebody in our lives apologizes and the behavior continues.

This is especially common in relationships, and can be a sign of a deeper problem. I do not personally think it is fair to make a snap judgement about someone based on their apologies and capacity to make a change, but we can learn to spot the difference between a genuine apology and a more manipulative one.

Is An Apology Without Change Manipulation?

I read this all over the internet and hear it on social media. “An apology without change is manipulation.” Sure, it can be. I understand this point of view. In many cases, an individual may apologize without an actual intention to cause less harm in the future or amend the behavior. There are a number of reasons an apology may be given (more on this below), including having a true desire to move forward.

However, sometimes people may apologize and not make a change simply because it is hard to make that change. Most of us have had times in our lives where we really want to make some change or stop causing harm, but find it difficult. Maybe we are struggling with addiction, have a behavior that has been engrained in us from years of repetition, or simply don’t have the support needed to amend a behavior.

This isn’t to make an excuse or justify harmful behavior. Rather, we can seek to understand it. I donot think it is fair to label every apology without change as manipulation. It’s black-or-white thinking, and reality is not this dichotomous. We can recognize when it is manipulation, or even when the person is not putting forth energy to make a change, but we must actually investigate before falling into all-or-nothing thinking.

Problematic Reasons for Apologizing

With all of that being said, there are quite a few reasons someone may apologize without actual intent to amend the behavior. By themselves, none of these are necessarily manipulation. We might have a guilty conscience, apologize, AND make a change. Or we may make an apology to end an argument and still put forth effort to improve in the future. In my opinion, the part that matters is an actual amending of behavior. Any of these apologies, especially repeatedly, without a change may be a sign of additional support being needed.

A Guilty Conscience

This, in my clinical experience, is one of the most common reasons people apologize without making a change. In a sense, the apology serves to make the individual who is apologizing feel better, not to make the person harmed feel better. We generally don’t consciously choose to do this. People don’t think, “This person is hurt, and I feel guilty. If I apologize I will feel better and I can keep doing the behavior.”"

Rather, we feel guilty and say sorry, and may just brush it off or label it as dealt with. However, the apology is just one part of a healthy process here. This can happen, for example, when someone feels guilty after drinking too much. They feel some guilt or even shame, and apologize for their behavior. However, maybe they’re struggling with alcohol use disorder and stopping drinking isn’t just as easy as making a decision. Perhaps they need support. The apology helps relieve some of the guilt, but a change is still needed.

Ending an Argument

This is another common reason to apologize that is often followed with inaction. Most of us have probably done this at some point. We’re having an argument with a loved one or partner, and are simply done discussing it. To end the conversation, we offer an apology. Sometimes it’s a bit of an angry apology even, something like “Ok, I’m sorry, can we be done?”

Again, this isn’t to say that ending an argument and taking a break to return to the discussion later is bad or wrong. However, these apologies are generally not sincere or followed by action. Maybe you’re asking for reassurance from your partner, and it’s met with resistance. In order to walk back the conversation, you actually apologize for bringing it up. Or perhaps your partner feels attacked and just apologizes to end the discomfort of the conversation. However, no plan of action is developed and there isn’t a lot of orientation toward moving forward.

Seeking an Apology

Sometimes people may offer an apology during a conversation simply seeking a reciprocal apology. This form of saying sorry is not really saying sorry; it’s seeking an apology in return. This one is clear. The intention is not to amend behavior or make space for one another. It is to shift the blame or try to share the blame where perhaps they are feeling guilty.

Boundary Testing

This one may come in conjunction with other forms of problematic apologies. People who push boundaries in their relationships may offer apologies as a way to investigate what they can get away with. Again, this may not be a conscious decision. It happens beneath the surface. When someone causes some harm and are able to apologize and feel that they “got away with it,” it helps draw lines in their mind of where the boundaries are.

We don’t need to hold our partners accountable for every little thing and let nothing go. But we do have the power to lay our own boundaries out. If an apology doesn’t fix the situation or you feel you need to see some change, express it! For example, if you’re not feeling heard in your relationship, don’t take an apology as a solution. Come up with a plan, express what you need, and don’t allow an apology to take the place of amends.

Controlling

Controlling apologies are perhaps the most truly manipulative form of apology. These are the sorries where the person is only offering an apology to get out of trouble or get the other person to stay in their life. It is a sorry often accompanied by a promise to change, but without the change itself. In this sense, it is a controlling apology meant to control the situation rather than improve it.

Apologizing and Making Amends

On the other hand, an apology can come with true intentions and legitimate change. Even if it is one of the problematic apologies listed above, change may follow. In fact, change should follow. Or at least an effort to make a change. Saying the simple words, “I’m sorry,” can make someone feel seen and heard, but it doesn’t really fix the issue.

In my work with individuals and couples, I encourage people to look at the behavior or action to see if it can be improved upon. The key is to really amend the behavior. Sometimes, we need to just stop doing something. Other times, we may need to discuss with our partner or loved one to find a middle ground or compromise. And of course, we may need professional support in making some of the more difficult changes in our lives!