Managing a Lack of Patience: Causes and Strategies
I’ve heard it so many times from my clients and from friends and family around me: I have no patience today! It happens to the best of us. Sometimes, we just can’t seem to tolerate the stress, difficult people or situations, or delays we experience. The good news is that this is something we can work with.
The Experience of Having No Patience
A lack of patience can come up in many different forms. For many, it comes up in the form of anger or frustration. Impatience can lead to us lashing out, growing frustrated, or growing more and more anxious. In more subtle cases we might feel restless, slightly irritated, or simply wishing for the situation to be different than it is.
Causes of Impatience
Impatience can arise from any number of causes. It is useful to identify what may be causing the impatience before we begin to work with it.
Perfectionism
I hesitate to use the term perfectionism, as it may be something more like high standards. But the point remains. When we want things to move efficiently or perfectly as we imagine in our heads, we may grow impatient when things simply don’t work out that way. This may be the case with an event, a task, or dealing with other people.
Need for Control
A desire to control situations is common and normal. What can happen is that we struggle with what is in our control and what is not. You might feel like you should be able to control this situation better, but aren’t able to. I see this commonly in parents of young children.
Stress or Anxiety
General stress or anxiety can increase the experience of impatience. Many people experiencing stress report having no patience, as the mind is juggling too much. The small delays or inconveniences can feel much more intolerable if you’re already stressed or anxious. This might happen when you’re on a time crunch, in charge of an event or task, or have other stressors in your life at the moment.
Reward Sensitivity
Some people have a more sensitive brain to instant gratification. The act of waiting or needing to sit through things not going their way feels deeply unrewarding. Many impulsive people or people who have experienced a substance use disorder may struggle with patience in this way.
Environmental Causes
There are also plenty of environmental causes that can come up. The fast-paced culture, instant nature of technology these days, and tight schedules can make us feel like we need to be moving faster. You’re not alone here. We’re all subject to these causes. As we live in this world that is moving increasingly quicker, we condition ourselves to receiving things now.
How to Deal with Impatience
So, recognizing some of the causes of impatience, what do we do? It certainly depends on where your impatience stems from, but here are a few tips for those times in which you have no patience.
Recognizing Impatience
The first step to working with impatience is to recognize it’s there! Sometimes we are upset or angry and don’t fully realize why. Try to tune into the experience of not having patience. What does it feel like in the mind and body? Get to know impatience so you can see it more clearly when it arises in the future.
Pause Where You Can
Next, pause whenever you notice impatience. Don’t just storm right past the experience. Take a moment to take a break if you can, and don’t continue on the autopilot experience of anxiety or frustration. You also might use one of the ABCs of coping to put some space between you and the impatience.
Use Mindful Breathing
Taking a breath during this pause is one of the simplest and most powerful things you can do. You might try some grounding exercises with the breath or a body scan meditation, or any somatic exercise for anxiety. If all you can manage is a few deep breaths, great! Do it. Again, this helps to put some space between ourselves and the impatience.
Recognize Common Triggers
In the moment, see if you can identify what triggered the feeling of impatience. Is it a lack of control? Is it stress about timing? Is it other people not behaving the way you want them to? Recognize what is happening and why you have no patience in this moment. As time goes on, continue to note what your personal common triggers are. This way you can be ready the next time this situation arises.
Set Clear Expectations
One thing you can do before going into a situation that might cause stress or impatience is to set clear expectations. For example, you might recognize the difference between your hopes for a situation and how it will play out vs. how it might actually go. By setting more realistic expectations, we can set ourselves up for a more realistic outcome and experience.
Reframe the Experience
Next, you might try reframing the experience. If you’re stuck waiting in line, ask how you might be able to use the time. Listen to a podcast, take some mindful breaths, or call someone you’ve been meaning to call. If somebody is not understanding your point or you’re dealing with someone you find difficult, see if you can approach it as a learning/teaching moment instead.
Set Process Goals
One thing that I’ve found useful in my practice with people struggling with patience is to set process goals rather than outcome goals. What this means is you set the intention to do a task or put forth a certain amount of effort rather than completing it. For example, you might set the goal that you’re going to work on a blog post for 30 minutes today instead of setting the goal of completing the post. If you’re going to the store, you can set the goal that you’re going to complete your shopping rather than putting a time limit on it.
Check Basic Needs
Finally, check in with your basic needs. Are you hungry, tired, or stressed? Often these things can lead to a feeling of impatience and the resulting anger. I recommend making sure you’re well rested, well fed, and relatively stree-free before heading into situations where you might find yourself with no patience! If you want further support, this is a great thing to talk about in therapy.