50 Vulnerable Questions to Ask Your Partner
I am a big fan of activities for couples that promote vulnerability and connection. A great way to do this is through simply asking questions. Whether you’re in a new relationship or have been together for years, asking vulnerable questions is a powerful way to get to know each other better, connect deeply, and investigate who we are and what is important to us. For ideas to do this with yourself, check out my post 50 Questions to Get to Know Yourself More Clearly.
I’ve separated them out into sections to make it easier. At the end, I’ll offer a couple of formats you can use to make a dedicated practice out of this, which I highly recommend!
Intrapersonal Questions
These are questions that seek to explore one’s own experience, including their fears, hopes, and personal experience.
What is a fear that you have worked hard to overcome?
What situations make you feel the most vulnerable?
If you could accomplish one personal goal in the next five years, what would it be?
What keeps you motivated to keep moving forward when life gets difficult?
How do you see yourself when you’re at your best? And at your worst?
What part of yourself are you most proud of?
What part of yourself makes you the most uncomfortable?
What is something you wish people understood better about you?
When do you feel most yourself?
What is a memory you revisit often in your head?
Do you feel guided most by your head or heart?
Questions about Values and Beliefs
These questions center on one’s personal beliefs and values, investigating what really matters to someone.
What are three values you try to live by?
How have your values changed over time?
How do you decide what the “right” thing is to do in a difficult situation?
Does everything happen for a reason?
What makes life meaningful for you?
Can people change?
What principles do you hope to pass on to others?
When do you feel most connected with your core values?
When do you feel your core values challenged?
Questions about the Past and Future
We don’t need to live in the past or future, but healthy reflection can help us gain a deeper understanding of both ourselves and our partners.
What childhood experience shaped you the most?
What is a decision that you are really glad you made?
What mistake have you learned the most from?
What scares you the most about the future?
What excites you most about the future?
What advice would you give your younger self?
What can you do today to support your future self?
What can you thank your past self for?
Relationship Questions
These are vulnerable questions directly related to the relationship. They can be fun, interesting, and insightful.
What first drew you to me?
What was your first impression of me?
How have we grown as a couple since we met?
What is something you’d like to do more of together?
When do you feel most connected to me? And most disconnected?
What is something hard for you to communicate in our relationship?
What can I do to support you when you’re upset?
What do I do that makes you feel safe with me?
What do you hope for in our relationship in five years?
What challenges have we faced together that have helped us?
Is there any tradition you’d like us to start together?
What makes our relationship unique?
Investigating the Present
Finally, here are some questions to explore the present-time experience. What is your partner’s experience like now?
What’s been on your mind recently?
What part of yourself feels weak right now? And what part strong?
What is something you’re currently learning about yourself or us?
What moments with me feel the most meaningful?
What is something I can do today to make you feel more loved?
What is something you want to let go of before moving forward?
What are you grateful for right now?
What is weighing you down right now?
What is lifting you up right now?
How do you feel in this moment?
How to Ask These Questions
There are many ways you can ask these questions. You can just blurt them out randomly, but I don’t think that will be the most fruitful way to utilize this list of questions.
First, you can set a timer and give each partner a minute or two to answer the questions. So you might set a timer for one minute, then ask the question. Your partner has until the time runs out to answer. Then, you can either switch so you can ask the question, or your partner can ask a new question from the list.
Another way to do this is to simply leave it open-ended. You ask your partner a question, and they get as long as they need to answer. When they finish their answer, you move on to the next question. Again, you can answer the same question each, or move on to a new question.
Either way you do it, I like to recommend not responding. So when your partner gives their answer, you just listen. Your job isn’t to start a discussion, but to really hear and see the other person in this moment of honesty and vulnerability.
