Why Somebody Might Keep Bringing Up the Past
Whether it’s a partner, a family member, or a friend, it’s no fun when somebody keeps bringing up the past. Perhaps you’ve been working on yourself and have even corrected the behavior. But for some reason someone keeps bringing up your past. This is exacerbated by any small action that may remind them of the past, or maybe it comes out during arguments that are unrelated.
This happens frequently in parent-child relationships and in intimate relationships. It’s a painful experience, and one that without proper care will just continue. It can cause hurt, frustration, further disconnection in the relationship, and a closing off.
The good news is that there are things we can do to work with this. It’s a common experience that many people have, and it’s useful to know what exactly may be going on, and what steps we can take to move forward.
Why They Won’t Move On
There are many reasons somebody may keep bringing up the past. I’ll offer a few common causes here, but remember it may be a combination of these. In my experience, the best thing to do is actually have a conversation rather than simply guessing why it may be.
They’re Still Hurting
The first possible cause is the simplest. They may still be hurting from your behavior. Perhaps you lied to your parent or partner in the past or hid something. Although it may have been years in the past, there still may be pain there when they think about it. This feeling of hurt is not necessarily yours to fix, but it’s important to recognize when it is still present.
Deflection
Deflection is another common reason this comes up. Deflection is a defense mechanism where someone avoids some sort of challenging thought or emotion in some way. It may be through shifting blame to another, changing the subject, brushing it off, or invalidating the person’s experience.
In regards to bringing up the past, this can happen when you bring up a concern about something the other person did. Maybe they have been drinking a lot, for example. They feel guilty after drinking, and you bring up how their drinking is impacting your relationship. Rather than discuss that topic, they bring up the past, focusing instead on your behavior in the past. This helps them avoid the discomfort of talking about them and instead shift the blame back to you.
Unresolved Trauma
In a way, this may be a deeper version of still being hurt. What may seem like a simple difficult experience to you may actually cause a trauma response in another. They may want to let go of the past, but the feeling of resentment or lack of safety keeps arising. With trauma, people may experience rumination, or thinking excessively about the event or experience.
Mental Health Condition
Many mental health conditions can increase anxiety, rumination, and negativity. It may be PTSD, generalized anxiety disorder, obsessive-compulsive disorder, or depression to name a few. This isn’t to say we should just excuse the past being continually brought up. But understanding what’s underneath and may be happening can help us to approach with more insight and understanding.
Punishing/Control
Holding something over someone’s head is one way a partner or parent might exert control. By continuing to punish you by bringing up past mistakes, they keep themselves above you in a way. It may not be a conscious punishment or need to control, but it often serves as a way to keep power in their hands.
Let’s take the example of drinking again. Maybe you had a problem with your drinking but have been sober for a few years. You may have a birthday party to go to a bar, and your partner might remind you of your past with drinking and suggest you don’t go. It can be relatively subtle like this, where the partner is able to control the situation in a way that keeps them and you safe from danger in their mind.
Not Feeling Heard
In my own personal experience, this is a huge reason partners continue to bring up the past. Perhaps they are still hurting, feel they cannot trust you, or have unresolved emotions. When they try to share it, they feel like they are not being heard.
This does not mean you did anything wrong necessarily, or that it is your fault. But when we cause harm and it continues to be brought up, we may fall into some emotional invalidation as we grow sick of discussing the same thing. We’ll talk about this more in the section on handling someone bringing up the past, but it’s important to make sure the other person’s feelings are heard.
Continued Behavior
Finally, you can check in with yourself. Are you continuing the behavior that caused harm? Saying sorry without changing the behavior is a surefire way to keep the past in your discussions. Even if it is not the same exact behavior, you may be doing things that subtly remind the other person of the past.
How to Handle Someone Bringing Up the Past
When an individual keeps bringing up the past, it should be handled. Rather than fuming or growing resentful, we can work toward a solution with it. Here are a few things to keep in mind when you sit down to discuss this.
Validate
First, make sure to validate the other person’s feelings. This doesn’t mean endorsing them or even necessarily agreeing. It means really listening, and making sure you understand. You can reflect this back with simple phrases like, “It hurts me to know that I hurt you,” or “I’m sad we’re in this situation too.” Make sure to let them know you hear and see their experience without getting defensive or arguing.
Work Together
Whatever the relationship may be, remember it isn’t a you vs them situation. It’s more of a “we” situation. This isn’t a problem with you or them, it’s a problem with the dynamic of the relationship. Remember this, and make this the basis of your conversation rather than arguing or trying to find who is wrong and who is right.
Be Present
Yes, you’re talking about the past. But try to stay in the present! Recognize how you both feel in this moment discussing it, rather than getting lost in the details of the past. Sometimes when we discuss things in the past, we can fall quickly into the past and lose touch with the present moment. You don’t need to go over every detail of the past again. Instead, discuss how you feel in this moment and what your experience is in this moment.
Set Boundaries
Both of you may need to set boundaries. Your partner may set a boundary based on the specific hurt you caused or behavior you engaged in. You may set a boundary about them bringing up the past during arguments, putting their psychological happiness on you, or the angry language that is used. Set realistic boundaries that you both can hold to, and remember boundaries are not to punish someone, but to protect one’s wellbeing.
Work Toward a Solution
Focus as much as you’re able on the solution here. Don’t continue to go over the past or get stuck in boundaries for too long. Ask your partner what can be done to move forward. Is there something you can do to support them? Is there something you need from them? What actionable steps can you take to move forward. Maybe it’s as simple as making space to discuss where you both are at every week for a few minutes!
Practice Acceptance
Finally, I encourage you both to remember the principle of acceptance. The hurt, the habits, and the behaviors can’t always be changed overnight. If your partner is still hurt, you both are going to have to accept that in this moment. We can’t snap our fingers and fix that. If they’re accustomed to bringing up the past during arguments, accept that it’s a bit of a habit at this point and practice some patience. And the behavior or action happened. We can’t change the past. Both you and your partner need to search for some forgiveness and acceptance!
